*SWIPE* I just went through all the pictures on my phone and wow. This has been a damn journey. Around the beginning of 2018, I was pretty thin. But at the time, I thought I was nowhere near “thin.” I thought I still looked big. I thought I still had SO much left to lose. People would tell me I looked thin but I was like “nah.” But looking back, I’m in shock. I was disappearing (physically and mentally). I remember my exact feelings when I would take pictures and they were always feelings of sadness and hatred and the never ending cycle of “I just need to lose x amount and I’ll be happy.” But x amount never really came. Body dysmorphia is the worst.
Ive gained weight/muscle mass since the beginning of this year, but I can whole-heartedly say, I’m happy. Genuinely. Not because I’m happier being heavier, but because I love myself now? I’ve learned to love myself and I’m still learning. Some days are better than others. But I’ve surrounded myself with only people who see my worth and love me. Ive practiced saying positive things to myself in the mirror. I’ve practiced complimenting myself. I’ve done so much in my journey of self love.
And the thing about loving yourself is, you trust yourself. I trust that if I want to lose more weight, I can. I trust that if I want more muscle, I can do that too. I trust that I can do anything I set my mind to, because I’m learning to love myself now. And I believe in myself, above all. I’m understanding that all I can do is worry about THIS present moment. I can’t change what I did last year or how I felt. All those feelings are gone. All I have is right now and how I choose to see myself at this moment and here on out. And I choose to be happy.